NARRATOR: Although his afternoon commute caused him much stress, Johnny always looked forward to returning to his beautiful home. Today was different, though. As he turned the corner, he witnessed a raging fire engulfing his house and immediately called the fire department.

NARRATOR: After what seemed like an eternity, three fire trucks finally pulled up. The Fire Department Administration, or FDA for short, was the only agency in town trusted to combat fires. Although most of the house fires resulted in a total loss, the FDA ensured everyone they were constantly researching and evaluating the newest and best methods of fire prevention and treatment.

FIRE CHIEF: Listen, pal, we are the professionals. Move aside and let us do our work.

FIRE CHIEF: Alright boys, GRAB YOUR AXES BOYS AND START CUTTING!

NARRATOR: The first crew of firefighters began cutting away all the smoldering pieces of the house. Although nothing was done to put out the fire, the crew of firemen began to congratulate themselves on the success of removing all the dead wood.

FIRE CHIEF: Well done everyone! Just like we learned in school! No way that dead wood will catch fire now! NOW BRING OUT OUR SPECIAL POWDER!

Firefighters from the second truck dressed in HAZMAT suits pull a hose from the truck and begin spraying a nasty black goo all over the still burning home.

FIRE CHIEF: LET ER’ RIP!!!

NARRATOR: This “Special Powder,” or highly toxic chemical, was hardly enough to put out the fire. Even though the toxic powder was slowing the spread of the flame, un-singed parts of the house were now becoming severely damaged, ruined, to say the least. Seeing that they had slightly reduced the symptoms of the blaze, the firemen began to celebrate once more.

FIRE CHIEF: THE FIRE IS GETTING SMALLER, GOOD JOB GUYS!

Man gets an idea, runs over to the water hose, and asks the Fire Chief to use water.

FIRE CHIEF: Water?! Listen, pal, we’ve been taught by some of the most prestigious fire school’s in the country that water is useless in combatting house fires. That “special powder” we used, will get you at least one more hour with your precious house. Using water to put out a fire is pure Quackery, the FDA would fire all of us if we used water on your house because it’s not a “proven way” to fight fires. You need to just Leave this to the experts

FIRE CHIEF: Alright son, we are almost done here, but we need to know where your couch is. All the New Research shows that furniture is highly flammable; we need to get rid of it as soon as possible!

FIRE CHIEF: BRING OUT THE BIG GUNS!!!

NARRATOR: Chopping away burnt wood, spraying toxic chemicals, and eliminating flammable furniture are considered the “Big 3” orthodox fire treatments. Although Johnny was told these methods could help save his home, they actually ended up reducing Johnny’s house to a pile of rubble, destroying it beyond repair.

Ironically, the firefighters appeared quite pleased with their success; they seemed to be celebrating that Johnny’s house survived an extra hour because of their hard work.

As Johnny walks past the fire station, he notices the parking lot is full of luxury vehicles. As he glances inside the window, he sees everyone laughing and celebrating another routine treatment.

The next week Johnny receives a bill for their services. Upon opening the envelope, he sees the total for the bill is a whopping $100,000 dollars. The fine print states his insurance company will cover all expenses as long as Johnny confirms that water was not used at any time during the treatment of his house fire.

Johnny begins to ponder: “What is the connection between the fire department, the firefighter’s union, the fire schools, the FDA, the insurance companies, and the chemical companies?”